She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
