I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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