Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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