I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
