why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
