When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
