So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
