don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
