i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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