If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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