When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
