i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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