But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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