I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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