the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
