Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
