I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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