someone get that fucking seahorse.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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