Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just pee around me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
