So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
