i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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