Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
