I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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