I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
