The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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