I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
