Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
