So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
