I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
