peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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