am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
