the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
