just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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