She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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