I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
