i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
