my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
