He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize