You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
