She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize