I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Randomize
