i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
