my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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