the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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