There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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