Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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