no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
