The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
