So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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