Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
