I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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