omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
