So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
