Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
