Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
