I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
