Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
